Assalaamu 'alaykum!
I am married for more than 2 years and have been blessed with 2 healthy kids, Alhamdulillah. Before I got engaged to my husband, he had been in a relationship with a Christian. He admitted they had done haraam things. During engagement, we were separated as he was working in another country, but we talked every day. Since then, I have never been able to trust him. By the way, our marriage was arranged. My approval during the time of marriage was 50/50, because I was thinking he might be right for me as he was working already and was old enough to handle things. In addition, his parents are religious so I expected that he was also religious.
I heard he was very simple, did not like to go out unless very important, was always staying at home after work; he cooked, helped in the house chores, and was a good, obedient son. But some of those things were not true when we settled together. I can't accept that I have an impious husband who doesn't pray, loves watching porn, smokes and does not even complete his fasting in Ramadhan. I somehow love him as he is a good father who takes care of the kids, but thinking of his flaws and remembering what he did before hurts me.
I can’t concentrate on my work and my kids because of these. Just recently I also noticed that he is always calling his co-staff whom he trains at work. Before, he used to call me every day, but in the past few days, he doesn't seem to care about me. I am afraid he is in a relation with that Christian woman again doing haraam things. Because of this, I am thinking to divorce him as he doesn’t seem to be concerned about me anymore. He's only giving me headache and heartache. The worst thing in him is that he doesn't pray and does not fear Allah. But we have kids who are still babies, and I don't have parents to take care of them. I am working along with my husband to financially support them and ourselves. Kindly help me and give me advice. Jazaakallahu khairan!
Answer:
The fact that your husband did haram things before marriage made him unsuitable for you as a husband (as you are not a fornicator and he was). Because he does not pray, fast, etc., he is unsuitable for you as a husband and as a father to your children (as they may not pray and fast either if their father does not). The fact that he is having ongoing calls with his coworkers and does not care about you makes him unsuitable for you for marriage. You having to support yourself and your kids financially make him unsuitable for you.
You may want to try talking to him first (even by involving your or his family) about that you wish he was more concerned about Allah the teachings of Islam, but if you see there is no hope he would change for the better, I personally see absolutely no basis for you NOT to lawfully divorce your husband. I would recommend it not just for your happiness but for your children’s souls! As their mother, it is your first duty to protect them. Caring for your husband is your reciprocal responsibility to him – and there is nothing (or almost nothing) that he is doing which has earned any such reciprocation. Your children, on the other hand, are your charge; you are directly responsible for their care and upbringing as Muslims, and he is a very serious threat to that responsibility on your part. According to Onislam scholar, divorce is lawful for this very reason.
I hope that you will seriously consider getting away from this man before he does any serious damage to your children. Your children are babies now, but soon, In Sha’ Allah, they will begin imitating your husband (in his failure to practice Islam), and I am sure you do not want them to do that. If you leave him, you can tell them why (he did not fulfill his duties toward Allah and you), and they will be able to understand the validity of that reason easily, In Sha’ Allah.
May Allah make it easy for you whatever you decide to do.
About the Counselor:
Nasira Abdul-Aleem is an American with a BA in English and an MS in Counseling Psychology. Since 2003, she has helped innumerable individuals, couples, and families work through their personal and interpersonal problems. In addition, Nasira's has the resource of many family members who either teach Islam and/or lead communities as their Imams.
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