30 Oct 2015

I Suspect My Wife is Not a Virgin: What to Do?

Questions

Assalamu Alaikum? Before I married my wife I asked her if she is a virgin and she said she is a virgin 100 %, but when I met my wife she is not a virgin, she lied to me. Should I have to leave her? I want to marry another virgin woman. What did Islam say about virginity? I'm confused what should I do. Thank you, jazakalah kairan.

Consultant: Sadaf Farooqi

Answer

Wa Alaykum Assalam Dear Brother,

Thank you for contacting us with your question.

The first thing that comes to my mind after reading your question is, whether your conviction that she was not a virgin when you had intercourse with her for the first time, actually stems from authentic proof. Or is it actually a result of the Shaitancasting doubts (waswaas) into your mind to spoil your marriage and cause husband and wife to separate on absolutely baseless grounds?

I do not know why you are convinced that she is not a virgin: is it because her vagina was not tight enough for you to be convinced of her virginity when you had intercourse with her for the first time, or the fact that she did not bleed enough vaginally (again, according to your expectations) after the first sexual encounter, or that she admitted to you herself that she was not a virgin when she married you (which definitely does not seem to be the case), or that you had her medically examined by a healthcare professional who confirmed to you that she was not a virgin?

Sometimes, a virgin wife’s vagina feels very tight during penetration at the time of her first sexual intercourse because of the presence of a membrane inside it called the hymen. It needs to be broken for penetration to be able to take place. However, that is not true for all women, because some women’s hymen is elastic; others’ hymen does not tear at all.

Since every woman’s vagina is different, it is very possible that there will be hardly any significant and noticeable tearing of the hymen and vaginal bleeding during the first sexual intercourse between a husband and wife. This does not justify the husband suspecting his wife of having had intercourse with someone before.

Women can sometimes have their hymen ruptured as a result of an accident during childhood. Even so, according to renowned scholar Salman Al-Oudah, “Failure to bleed on the first night is not a sign of loss of virginity, nor is it recognized as such in Islamic Law.” [IslamToday.com]

Other Muslim scholars have also sternly warned newlywed Muslim husbands like yourself against being influenced by the insinuations of Shaitan regarding the chastity of their brides.

Usually, the cause for their baseless suspicions about their wives’s chastity is either one of two:

- there not being enough vaginal bleeding,

- them not feeling her hymen break - during the first sexual encounter.

For both these cases, Islamic scholars have clearly ruled in favor of the wife, claiming emphatically that these two physical signs are not - in the least - enough grounds for doubting her chastity, whilst also appropriately admonishing the suspicious husband for allowing Shaitan to make him have doubts about her virginity because of them.

I would advise you to fear Allah and defer fulfilling your desire to deflower virginsuntil the Hereafter, in Jannah, Allah willing. Finding and getting married to a righteous woman, and striving to achieve marital bliss with her, is a rare blessing as it is.

In the life of this world, maintaining a happy Muslim marriage is too challenging to warrant letting the foundation of this sacred institution be shaken by baseless doubts and suspicions, and that too right at its start.

One day, if you are blessed with a daughter, you will realize how serious and grave a matter it is, for a new husband to doubt his chaste young wife’s character, right at the start of their marriage. Fear Allah, and remember that to slander a chaste woman is one of the major sins in Islam.

I hope that this answers your question.

Allah knows best.

Salam

Source: OnIslam.net

New Muslims: Tips for a Happy Marriage (Part 2) (Based on Real Stories)

Elizabeth, accepted Islam 9 years ago, and married a Moroccan after she had been Muslim for about 4 years.

Since she had been Muslim for almost half a decade at that point, she had learned a great deal, and was fully practicing Islam in every way she could according to the Quran and Sunnah.

Unfortunately, she failed in learning about his adherence to the religion very well before getting married. She just asked if he prayed his prayers, and upheld the five pillars of Islam. Since he did, she thought she was marrying a keeper.

Within the first week of marriage, she knew she made a big mistake! She found that she was literally having fights with her husband because he didn't want to take the time to pray throughout the day, and wanted them to both just make up all the prayers at night all at once.

He also didn't care about attending Jummah prayers at the masjid, and although he doesn't drink, he was frequenting night clubs. He even expected her to take her hijab off and to go with him!

She was devastated, and didn't know what to do. She fell into the co-dependent role of being more like his mother instead of his wife which often left her feeling depressed and angered. She thought that she could make him into a better Muslim. To her disappointment, she found that he wasn't interested the slightest bit and they ultimately divorced.

After a year or so passed, she found a new husband from Pakistan. She learned more about him before marriage because she didn't want to make the same mistake twice. He was a good practicing Muslim, although he was weak in a few areas, she knew that he was at least trying and making a constant effort on his own will to do better. She would encourage him in the areas he was weak, and he did the same for her.

Their problems were primarily around cultural norms. He felt that her sole job was to serve his parents who lived with them, and to cook and clean. She had no problems with doing the expected household duties since she didn't work, but she had problems with how her in-laws treated her. Since she knew her husband was doing his best to be a good Muslim, she discussed the matter with him, and he spoke to his parents about the matter.

At first, his parents were disgruntled and felt she was against them, he presented the Quran and Sunnah to them about the obligations of wife and husband in Islam, and that they needed to tone it down a notch. Over time, things eased up and they became happy with their marriage in all aspects. Alhamdulillah.

Study One Another

Now, the last point that needs discussion is the psychological aspect of dealing with a spouse. While not fully related to Islam, it is woven together to produce a happy marriage. Men think differently than women, and they tend to react differently as well to various stimuli.

Women are emotional creatures, whereas men tend to be less emotional, and often even suppress their emotions.

Women need to be constantly reminded that their husband loves, respects, and appreciates them, in ways other than just saying it directly to them, whereas most men can just accept verbal responses as sufficient.

Women are more physically needy, wanting to be held, hugged, kissed, and romanced. Men tend to only be this way when they want to have sexual intimacy. However, if men realized that if they are like this with women at all times, other than just when they want sexual gratification, that the wife will be more excited to initiate sexual relations.

Marriage is a give and take, not take, take, take! When a woman is upset, she tends to verbalize her feelings, whereas the man wants to hold it in and not talk about it. When the wife knows when to “let things be” and to remain quiet until the storm clears, and the man learns when his wife is about to break emotionally and needs to discuss things, they will learn when to talk and when to wait.

Knowing the other's mood and mentality will make marital conflicts much easier to overcome. You have to step back from your own thoughts, feelings, and wait to react at times, to know the other person's mindset.

There are numerous things that are very simple that both spouses can do to make the other feel happy in marriage... the key is to understand that differences between the mind of a man and woman exist, and how to work with each other's psychology in regards to conflicts will make life easy. Once you know the mind of the other, and how they think, and what they expect, you will know how to resolve future problems!

{And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is not intended to be a prison but a base, a safe haven, a source of contentment, tranquility, consolation and spiritual strength through shared commitment and experience. If it is turned into an arena for strife, discontent, abuse, or oppression it is failing to fulfill its proper function.

So study one another, and stick it out until you know each other like the back of your hand. When you accomplish this, you will know how to make your marriage a forever lasting happy marriage.

The world wasn't created in a day, just like a perfect marriage isn't made by simply signing a contract. It takes work and you can achieve it, but both parties must be proactive in learning about one another on a deeper level to reach marital bliss!

May Allah grant us all a righteous spouse, and put happiness in our grasp.

Ameen!

New Muslims: Tips for a Happy Marriage (Part 1) (Based on Real Life Stories)

Finding your mate can be a difficult challenge in itself, and also trying to learn more about them can become an even more challenging task.

However, after tying the knot, a new challenge emerges, which can be the hardest of them all - to develop and maintain a happily married life.

They always say that if you can make it through the first year, you are in the clear. So, how can you make it through that long rollercoaster of ups and downs in the first year?

Hopefully, you had the opportunity to get to know your spouse and their personality, their expectations and such before getting married. If you were able to accomplish this, it will be much easier to find happiness through hard times.

New Muslims tend to marry quickly after taking their shahadah due to pressure from society, and being told that their spouse can help them grow and learn the deen better, and more quickly. This is not always the case.

Marriage in the first years is difficult, regardless if religion is a factor or not. Lack of good communication is typically the number one cause for all divorces, even amongst non-Muslims. The second usually stems around financial problems that arise. Now, if we throw religion into the mix, it can either cause problems in the marriage, or provide comfort when a problem arises.

Psychology plays a huge role in learning to resolve conflict, and to find happiness with a spouse. You don't have to have a degree in psychology, but if you learn that men and women think differently and react differently to various things, it will get you a long way in your marriage.

If you and your spouse don't understand each other's psychology, you will surely find yourself in lots of arguments, feeling disappointed, frustrated, and ready to divorce. If you can learn how the other thinks, and how they feel about various things, you have something to work with, and can overcome it, but it takes two to make it work.

Both partners must be dedicated to learning each other's mentality so that they can understand the other fully. Without this, you will clash about every tiny detail about everything - from food, to money, to kids, to religion, to work, and expectations of the other, and much more.

“Problem Areas” in Marriages for New Muslims?

More often than not, I encounter new Muslims that are facing some scary situations, usually due to their lack of getting to know their spouse, their families, and knowing what to expect from one another.

Most issues arise from cultural differences, while others are related to their practice of the deen. Either the new Muslim or their spouse is at a very different level in practicing Islam, than the other.

Sometimes the new Muslim is the more practicing spouse, and other times, it is the born Muslim that is the stronger one in the deen. This is why it is critical to discuss your “level of faith” before marriage, because if you are really new to the religion, and still learning about basic practices in behavior, social matters, etc. and you marry someone that is very strong in their deen, and are expecting you to be at their same level, this can cause problems if you or the other is not compassionate, and patient enough to deal with the expectations the other has for you.

In regards to cultural issues, one may tend to want to stick to their culture, especially in regards to holidays and social norms that conflict with the views of their spouse. Sometimes I find a new Muslim that wants to partake in non-Muslim holidays because they don't know how to manage the change yet, and the spouse is fervently against it to the point of feeling their new Muslim spouse is not really “Muslim enough” at that point to their liking.

You may have a spouse that feels that women are supposed to stay at home and only serve their husband, and not have a life outside the home. While Islam has restrictions on some things, many Muslims go the extreme and mix culture with Islam in various things such as this.

I mention this because these two situations are the biggest triggers for conflict in marriages with new Muslims that I've seen personally. If we look at these scenarios, we can begin to understand the various scenarios that can take place, and try to find a solution to work things out to feel happy with the choice of a spouse. You can find happiness, but it usually isn't without working hard to make it happen.

New Muslims have a duty to learn about Islam and implement it in their life as they learn. New Muslims can't be expected to be perfect overnight in all matters, so their spouses have to remain patient, and help them find solutions and easy ways to overcome various lifestyle changes without making them feel insulted, or “less Muslim”, or not worthy enough to be their spouse.

The new Muslim has an obligation to do their best to learn and implement what they learn too, so it goes both ways. You can only use the “well I'm new to Islam” excuse so much before you are resorting to using it as an excuse to not practice Islam properly. Always improve your adherence to Islam as a growing process.

Many new Muslims want to slack off in their learning after marriage, which their spouse may have issues with. On the flip side, many new Muslims tend to be the more religious of the two, because they are excited about their new faith and try to do everything right. This can be problematic if the new Muslim marries someone that is what we call a “cultural” or “Ramadan Muslim” who neglects their faith the majority of the time, leaving the new Muslim feeling like they married someone that doesn't take their faith seriously.

Now, How to Overcome These Situations?

For the first example, we will discuss the new Muslim that is the weaker in their practice than their spouse, who expected them to be more practicing than they currently are.

Sarah, a new Muslim of only 6 months, was only wearing her hijab when she prayed, or went to the masjid, and her new husband from Pakistan, was under the impression that she was wearing it all the time.

After marriage, he quickly discovers that she hasn't reached the level he thought she was at. He forces her to wear hijab at all times, and she begins to feel oppressed, and forced to do things she isn't ready for. He sees her reluctance and agitation as her not wanting to be a proper Muslim (in his eyes).

Sarah finds that her new husband is pressuring her into many other things that she either doesn't have much knowledge of yet, or just simply isn't yet ready to take that step. Regardless of the reasons, she is feeling like her husband is a dictator, and begins to lose respect, love, and affection for him, and it spirals downhill from there.

In a situation like this, if the husband will ponder over the huge change his wife has recently made, and how it is a complete change of all parts of their life, Insha’Allahhe will respect her and appreciate her more, and will be there by her side teaching her, and encouraging her without forcing things on her against her will.

Stubbornness will emerge out of sheer defiance against feelings of oppression, but if he is patient and understanding with her, and helps her in this transformation, she will feel more love, compassion, and respect for him in the long haul. If he forces things on her, it will only push her away from him, and maybe Islam altogether!

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told us:
“Woman has been created from a rib and will in no way be straightened for you; so if you want to benefit from her, you will benefit from her while crookedness remains in her. If you attempt to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her is divorcing her". (Muslim, 1467 b)
The Prophet advised that a husband should not enforce his will upon his wife. However, if he wants to enjoy a happy life with his wife, he should overlook her faults and benefit from her good qualities and should try to alter her undesirable qualities with love and affection, rather than by force. Using force at such instances may break a woman rather than straighten her (as it would a rib).

Women can use this same tactic in dealing with their husbands. Compassionate encouragement gets you a lot further than force! Don't be condescending to one another, because it will get you nowhere fast!

For the second example, we will discuss common scenarios where the new Muslim is the stronger one in their faith than their spouse.

(to be continued insha-Allah ...) Click here for Part 2

Advice to New Muslimahs Considering Marriage

I still find it strange to this day that, whenever I meet a Muslim for the first time, one of the first things they usually say to me is:

“We must find you a husband!”

Over the years I have learned how to deal with this situation and can even detect the thought coming before it is verbalized!

But for new Muslim sisters, like Helen, mentioned in my previous article, this can be a very challenging time.

Almost as soon as they convert, new Muslimahs will find people trying to get them married. They will be told that it is half of their deen and so they should get married quickly. There may be other reasons they find themselves considering marriage:

- They may have been dating a Muslim man prior to accepting Islam, like Jemima (mentioned in my last article).

- They may feel that they are ready to get married, like Clare (a recent study showed that the average age of their respondents were 27 when they converted)

- They may feel that it would be the best way to learn more about their new way of life

- They may look to get married as a way of escaping from their families who have rejected them since their conversion,

- It may be a way to escape from the loneliness they feel, as they don’t belong with their old friends and want to feel part of the Muslim community, or many other reasons.

The one thing that will be common to all of them is that when a new Muslimah considers getting married, they are stepping into unfamiliar territory. The rules and the customs will all be very different from that they have grown up with.

For a few sisters this turns out to be a wonderful journey of discovery with someone they feel is their soul mate, for most sisters it’s a journey that contains many challenges and adjustments, but for some it can be a very sad journey that leads them to question their faith.

So I’d like to share some advice that may help to ease some of those journeys and help them to result in happy and fulfilling marriages:

Take Your Time

The period after accepting Islam is a period of learning, growth and adjustment; not only in terms of learning about Islam and the practical application of it to daily life, but also in terms of learning about the Muslim community and its cultural practices. Having grown up in a non-Muslim community, it can take a long time to understand the subtle nuances of your new faith and community.

It can take at least a year or so for you to start growing into it and discovering what works best for you. So it is better to take your time and wait until you have settled into Islam before looking for a husband, as this will help you to choose one who has a similar understanding of the deen to you.

Many new Muslims have a bit of a halo effect about the Muslim community and want to perceive them as being from the same mould as the early companions. They come to Islam, because of its perfection, but as Muslims are human beings, they can’t always meet this standard. And this is one of the biggest challenges that most new Muslims face; understanding the dichotomy between their expectations and the reality of the Muslim community. They also want to do everything in the best way and to follow Islam to the letter of the Sunnah, but as they don’t always take into account the current situation of the Ummah, this can leave them vulnerable and sometimes taken advantage of.

So it is advisable for you to be patient and take time to settle into Islam before you start to consider marriage, rather than rushing into it and regretting it later.

Select a Trusted Wali (Guardian for Your Marriage)

This is probably the most challenging part of the Islamic marriage process for a new Muslim, but in my opinion, it is the most important step. Western women these days aren’t used to the concept of having a Wali, a guardian or a trusted man involved in the early stages of a relationship; western fathers are usually just told nowadays that the decision to marry has already been made. But there is a lot of wisdom in having a guardian, especially as most converts marry men from cultures where this is the norm.

Having a guardian not only acts as a protection for a new Muslimah from those who would seek to take advantage of her lack of knowledge of the Muslim world, it also increases the respect that will be shown to her by her future husband and his family as it shows that she was cautious about this important decision.

A guardian should be chosen carefully; he should be someone who will actually be able and willing to protect the woman’s best interests, in the way that he would protect his own daughter. I have ‘sacked’ previous guardians of mine, as I didn’t feel that they had done that for me! It’s often suggested that the local imam should be asked, but unless they know you reasonably well, it would be better to choose a friend’s husband or someone else from the community you can trust.

The guardian’s role is crucial in the very early stages. He will be more able to spot subtle signs about a potential groom’s suitability, or lack of it, that might escape a new Muslimah who is unfamiliar with different cultures. He should make sure that the brother is able and willing to support a wife and that he doesn’t have an ulterior motive for marriage, such as seeking a passport, money, property or a temporary marriage of convenience.

He should also help to check out the brother through his friends and acquaintances, and check his family’s background and acceptance of the match. This may seem unnecessary or strange to a new Muslimah, but as it is common practice in the Muslim world, it won’t seem strange to a man who is genuine in his intentions.

Meeting the Man and His Family

It’s not always easy to get this balance right, however, as dating is not permitted in Islam, and that is the way most westerner women are accustomed to getting to know a man, you need to work out how you will be able to get to know someone well enough to know whether they would be a suitable match for you in a lawful way.

I have often been told that Islamically, I should just meet someone two or at most three times and then, after making Istikhara (prayer of seeking guidance), I should make a decision whether to spend the rest of my life with the prospective groom. I have also been pressured to make a quick decision, because the man was apparently keen and willing, and nearly ended up in some very nasty situations.

Somehow, you need to strike a balance between the two ways. I have known sisters who have made very quick decisions and been very happy with the result, but for most sisters, it will be necessary to meet over a period of time in different settings and to meet the man with his family to see how they are together and for him to meet your family. While doing this you need to make sure that you retain your modesty, you aren’t alone with them at any time and of course that you avoid any physical contact.

Look out for Red Flags

It is very easy, if you meet someone who sounds suitable and who appeals to you, to overlook things that could cause potential problems in the future. Once you have started to form a relationship with someone and develop feelings for them, the tendency is not to want to hear anything that could spoil things, and this is where the guardian’s role becomes most important. Although the decision about a marriage is yours, it is his role to help you see the red flags that could indicate a potentially dangerous situation.

Some of the most obvious red flags that should make you wary are:

- If the brother doesn’t want to meet your family and friends.

- If he asks you to keep the relationship a secret.

- If he doesn’t want you to meet his family or see where he lives.

- If he asks you to travel long distances alone to meet him, especially if that is at your expense or means going overseas to see him.

- If he asks you for money, or is unable to support you financially or provide a home for you.

- If he asks you to have just an ‘Islamic marriage’, i.e. one that isn’t registered or legally recognized, and not a civil marriage.

- If he doesn’t have a valid visa to stay in your country.

- If he asks you to agree to a temporary marriage contract.

- Or if anything he says or does makes you feel even momentarily uncomfortable.

If any or all of these things happen, they can be signs of a potential problem, because on the whole they would be unacceptable ways for a man to treat a woman he respected and wanted to marry in most Muslim communities. There are always exceptions to these flags, but they should be discussed and resolved with your guardian and your family and friends first, before proceeding forward.

Perform Prayer of Seeking Guidance

Before any decision is made about marriage, you should of course perform Salat-ul-Istikhara (prayer of seeking guidance) and sincerely ask for God’s guidance.

It isn’t necessary to see a dream after you have done this, as that doesn’t always happen. What you should be looking out for is whether God makes the path ahead easy for you or whether He shows you signs that may be indicating that you shouldn’t proceed. You may have to do this several times before your heart feels at peace to make the decision and to feel that this is the path that God has written for you to take.

There are many good Muslim men out there and I know many sisters who are in good marriages, I pray that yours will be one of them too!

Challenges Faced by Western Muslim Women Converts

Once the celebrations around the conversion have died down, a new sister starts to learn how to live as a Muslim and become part of the Muslim community.

This adjustment period can take a couple of years until they have worked out the path they feel most comfortable following in their new faith.

During this time they experience emotional highs and lows, variances in their faith, and often face many tests.

Doesn’t God promise this though?

{Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried? But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.} (Al Ankabut 29: 2-3)

Here are some stories of sisters I have come across over the years showing some of the tests they have faced and the different paths they have followed. Some sisters work through their tests and end up with strong faith, for others the tests are too hard and result in them leaving Islam all together and the rest end up somewhere in between.

The details have been changed and combined, as I don’t have the sister’s permission to tell their stories, and although they are not typical stories for every convert, they happen often enough for them to be common.

Insha’ Allah in future articles we’ll be looking at some things that can be done to reduce the potential negative effects of the tests.

Christine’s Story

Christine kept her new faith hidden from her family. She knew the hatred her parents had for ‘foreigners’ and their intolerance of anyone who was different. So she decided that, until she could afford to move out, she had to make some big compromises in her practice. So she prayed in the bathroom or in her room late at night, only put hijab on when she was away from home, and pretended she had become a vegetarian.

One day Christine’s father caught her praying in her room and went ballistic. A huge row ensued with her father hitting her and calling her all the foul names he could think of. The row ended with Christine being thrown out on the street and being told never to come back. She had nowhere to go.

When she turned to her new friends, they said it wouldn’t be appropriate for a non-mahram woman to stay with them. So they collected some money so Christine could stay in a hostel, but the money ran out after a few nights and her friends said that they couldn’t help her any more.

Mary’s Story

Following 7/7, Mary was very curious about Islam and Muslims, so she joined a couple of chat rooms to get answers to her questions. She learned how in Islam women were valued and honored, and about the importance of community and family. These were values she yearned for and eventually Mary decided that she wanted to be a part of that community.

She found her local mosque and made an appointment to go there to convert. The imam got her to stand up in front of all the men after one of the prayers to repeat the Shahadah. It felt so uncomfortable stumbling through the strange Arabic phrases with all those eyes on her, but at last she belonged.

The next Friday, she braced herself to go to the mosque for prayers. As soon as she walked through the door, one of the older ladies told her off for not wearing hijab in the mosque. After that she was too shy to ask what she should do in the prayer, so she just tried her best to follow them. When they had finished, another lady came up to her and told what she had done wrong and then walked off.

As the ladies all started talking to each other in foreign languages, Mary went home alone. She did go back a few times, but even though she was wearing hijab by then, they just looked at her suspiciously. Mary felt that she was the wrong color and the wrong race; that she wasn’t a ‘proper’ Muslim, and so she decided never to go back to the mosque again.

Helen’s Story

When Helen went to university, it was the first time that she had come across Muslims, and she was curious. She asked lots of questions and one day she realized that she had become a Muslim. She hadn’t been looking to change her life, but it had crept up on her and there she was, a Muslim. She wanted to learn all she could about her new-found faith, so she read every book she could get hold of and attended all the talks.

Helen found herself spending most of her time with a group of sisters who had taken her under their wing and within a short time, not only was she wearing hijab, she was wearing a niqab and dressing in black. Helen started to skip lectures to be with the sisters, and slowly broke all contact with her old friends and her family.

It wasn’t long before the sisters found her a husband, who was said to be pious. Helen found him strict and he had very high expectations of her. He thought that, as she was a new Muslim, she was a blank slate for him to write on and that he could make her into the wife he wanted her to be. He started stopping her from going to see the sisters, claiming that they were following the wrong path. One day Helen woke up and looked at herself in the mirror; she didn’t recognize the pregnant woman staring back at her with empty eyes.

Jemima’s Story

Jemima was always outgoing; she loved new experiences, the party life and travelling. While she was on holiday, she met a man and fell in love. He said that he was a Muslim, but not a good one as this was his time to enjoy himself while he was still young. After going to see him a couple of times, they started talking about marriage and he began to tell her how happy he’d be if she was a Muslim. So when Jemima came back, she began to look into Islam. It seemed as if there were different types of Muslims; some were stricter than others, but there were many like her fiancé who still liked to party. So with that understanding, Jemima decided that she could become a Muslim. She reassured her friends that it wouldn’t change her, and it didn’t; she still continued to party like before.

The next time she went back, they got married and started the process to get her husband the visa to come to England. It took a long time, as it was more complicated than they realized, but eventually they succeeded and he came over. Within a short time, her husband started changing towards her; he wasn’t as loving as he had been. He started going out alone, sometimes not coming home until the early hours. One day he announced that he had met someone else and he was leaving her. Jemima was distraught; it was clear then that he had only married her to get a visa to get out of his country.

Clare’s Story

Clare had been a Muslim for several years and took her faith seriously. She had learned a lot about Islam, she had a good support network of sisters and her family had come to terms with her conversion. Everything seemed to be going well; the only thing missing was a husband. None of the brothers she’d been introduced to seemed to be as serious about Islam as she was.

Clare was active in her local community and helped out in her local mosque. There were a few speakers who used to come on a regular basis, and she was always on hand to help out. One of them started coming more frequently and Clare looked forward to his visits; he gave such inspiring talks. Then one day, out of the blue, he asked her to marry him, as he said he was afraid of falling into fitnah with her. He explained that it would have to be a secret ‘Islamic marriage’ initially (i.e. with no paperwork), because his wife wouldn’t understand, but he promised to start telling her about Clare after they were married.

She was so happy to have finally found a husband who was strong on the deen(religion) and accepted his conditions, as they were going to be temporary. Her happiness was short lived. A few weeks after they were married, on one of his visits, he said that someone had told his wife that he had married. His wife had been so upset that he had sworn that it wasn’t true and by doing so, he had divorced Clare.

Clare didn’t know where to turn! ...

The next article will discuss how new revert sisters who face similar situations can overcome these types of challenges.

Source: OnIslam.net

Why Do Westerners Convert to Islam? (Interview)

Transcript of part of an interview conducted by Dr. Tariq Ramadan with sister Batool al-Toma, director of the New Muslims project at the Islamic Foundation, UK, in the weekly TV program “Islam and Life.”

In the interview, sister Batool, herself a convert to Islam, explains the different reasons that encourage westerners to decide to become Muslim.

Tariq Ramadan: This week we are going to discuss the challenges facing people who convert to Islam.

“I have always held the religion of Mohammed in high estimation because of its wonderful vitality. It is the only religion which appears to me to possess that assimilating capacity to the changing phases of existence which can make itself appeal to every age.”George Bernard Shaw

Famous Western Muslims

People in the Western world have been converting to Islam for some time. Cassius Clay, the three times World Heavyweight boxing Champion, embraced Islam in 1965. He said: “The feelings I had while standing on Mount Arafat on the day of the Hajj was the most unique. I felt exalted by the indescribable spiritual atmosphere there as over one and a half million pilgrims invoked God to forgive them for their sins. It was an exhilarating experience to see people belonging to different colors, races and nationalities, kings, heads of state and ordinary men from very poor countries all clad in two simple white sheets praying to God without any sense of either pride or inferiority. It was a practical manifestation of the concept of equality in Islam.”

After a long search for meaning and a life of fame, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll, Cat Stevens embraced the Muslim faith. He said: “I realized that this was the true religion - religion not in the sense the West understands it, not the type for only your old age. We must follow the will of God (Allah). Then, we can rise higher than the angels. The first thing I wanted to do now was to be a Muslim.”Jemima Goldsmith, daughter of the British billionaire Sir James Goldsmith, converted to Islam when she was only 21 years old. She said: “It would seem that a Western woman's happiness hinges largely upon her access to nightclubs, alcohol and revealing clothes; and the absence of such apparent freedom and luxuries in Islamic societies is seen as an infringement of her basic rights. However, as we all know, such superficialities have very little to do with true happiness.”

What do the Westerners see in Islam that makes them decide to become Muslims? Did the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq or Western support for Israel encourage westerners to convert? In 2009, approximately 40,000 Brits, 70,000 French nationals and 100,000 Americans became Muslims. What reasons lie behind these astonishing rates of conversion? ...

What Attracts People to Islam?

Tariq Ramadan: So these are the questions:

Why are so many people are coming to Islam?

What is attractive about Islam?

We spoke about this few weeks ago, but still what we want to discuss today is really what is happening, and in which way people could be attracted to Islam. And still when they are within the Muslim communities in the west which kind of problems which kind of challenges they are facing which is not always easy. When I’m very often asked by Muslim converts saying “OK, you have to say something about us because we are like a minority within the Muslim community.”

These are very critical and important questions. So, people are attracted to Islam, towards its simplicity, the very essence and principles of Islam, and then when they come within the community these are the problems that they have to face.

So these are questions that we want to tackle today so to answer these questions I’m joined by the director of the New Muslims project at the Islamic Foundation, Batool al-Toma.

So Batool, thank you for being with us today. You have watched the clip. I think that yes something is happening in the West which is quite clear that the people are attracted to Islam. You have been involved in dealing with converted people coming to Islam for the last 15 years. You yourself are a convert so you came to Islam, so if you were to respond to this very simple question: Why is this move towards Islam so frequent in our societies in the West?

Batool al-Toma: Well, it’s quite difficult really because the attractions are wide and very varied, and people come to Islam for all sorts of different reasons. Obviously, one of the reasons since time in memorial has been the fact that people meet other Muslims, and there is an attraction there. There is personal relationship, and so they want to get married. This is one reason and this will always be there. We should always sort of look at these kinds of situations when somebody converts to Islam for the sake of marriage, there has always been the suggestion that they are not quite a good Muslim because they converted to Islam for that specific reason. But you know, this is not for us to decide. Allah’s plan is much greater than our plan. And so Allah may have brought them to this situation for a reason.

Tariq Ramadan: It’s a very important point. You are saying that the reasons why you come to Islam say nothing about the sincerity and the in-depth of your faith. It could be a reason that’s apparent to all as marriage, but at the end of the day your intention, your heart, could change over the process of becoming a Muslim?

Batool al-Toma: Indeed, very much so. And you will often find that people who have converted to Islam for marriage or have married a Muslim and not had to convert in the situation of women, the women often become Muslims and become extremely sincere and practicing people. And they actually become a lesson and an example to other Muslims.

Tariq Ramadan: So, this is one dimension and it could be the majority situation in fact when you have people coming to know each other and its for marriage. But we also have people like Cat Strevens who became Yusuf Islam, it was something that was his relationship to the Quran. He read the Quran, he got the Quran from his brother, he read the Quran. And you have other people like Cassius Clay for example coming to Islam without anything which has to do with being in a relationship with someone, but the very essence of the message which is there is one God and which is your life has a meaning.

Batool al-Toma: And of course people come to Islam for all sorts of different reasons as I said. People because of all the dreadful situations that had occurred around the world, and have happened because Muslims have interpreted the Quran in terms of wanting to carry out these catastrophies for religious reasons, have triggered many non-Muslims to want to look into Islam to see what does this religion say about terrorism, peace, peaceful coexistence with other people from other faiths and so on, and have been shocked and surprised by what they found in the Quran and the teachings of the Prophet peace be upon him.

And I have had people come to me saying “I want to convert to Islam but I’m more shocked, I’m surprised that I have come this distance because it is not a faith that I would ever wish to look into.” But somehow because they have read into Islam in order to try to understand what goes on in the mind of Muslims who use their faith in order to carry out these terrible atrocities around the world. And they have found something which is peace and harmony in Islam, and it has drawn them further in. They were unable to unhitch themselves from what they are reading and eventually they become Muslims.

Again you could have a student who is doing a module in Art in university, and they are introduced to Islamic art as part of their university degree course. And then they begin to realize this connection between art and the Creator, and you know how the artist and the Creator, the artist manifests the Creator’s beauty and spirituality around the world. So, again it could be so many different reasons.

Tariq Ramadan: Yes, and we had so many stories coming from Iraq, Afghanistan, soldiers coming to know people and to learn more about Islam. And what you said is quite important about these different ways, but once again I think it’s quite important not to judge the way but our sincerity with a way because it’s something which is quite important.

Batool al-Toma: Exactly, and to remember that Allah opens the way, lights the way, removes the veils for us to be guided. So it’s not for us to judge others, which is quite important.

Source: OnIslam.net

Watch Dr. Tariq’s Interview with Sister Batool

I Found My Ultimate Freedom Being a Muslim Woman Sister's Christina's Journey to the Truth


I said Shahadah, it will be ten years in December.

I took Shahadah when I was 47 years old. I considered myself to be a good Catholic lady, but I always would go to church and pray to God.

I couldn’t pray to Jesus, it just didn’t feel right, and I would always talk to God.

I didn’t come from a religious family. My grandmother took me to church once in a while, you know in the major holidays, but that was only when I was little.

So at 7 years old I would pick myself up and go to church and just talk to God.

When I was 8 I had my own Bible, and again I just always talked to God, and I was always a big believer of the truth, my whole life is based on the truth.

And then when I was 47, I met someone who was a Muslim, and we started talking. I had never met Muslims till I was about 46 years old. So this was after 9/11, and I started reading the Quran, and I just kept saying but this is what I believed my whole life!

Wait ... What’s going on here?

I thought I’m Catholic, and why is everything that I’m reading to be true? I mean to me it was the truth.

And within about 3 to 4 months of reading the Quran I knew that there was no other choice. This is what I was my whole life, I just didn’t know it until that time. And then on December 25th. I said my Shahadah with my Christmas tree in the dining room because I was still Catholic at the time. But I just knew it was over, I knew that part of my life, that 47 years of being Catholic was over, that I really was Muslim, and that my parents when they baptized me they just didn’t know it.

About Islam to Those Who Are Searching

What is the truth?

What is the Truth? There is only One God, and that’s who you ask for help and that’s just who you go to. You don’t need someone to intercede, you don’t need to go and speak to someone else, you just talk to God in your whole relationship and you just lay everything to God.

And it’s so freeing, you are just so free. And people can say aren’t you hot? Look how you dress, and I’ve never felt more free. It’s truth and it’s freedom, the ultimate freedom, to be a Muslim woman, Subhan Allah, it’s just wonderful.

Ramadan?

Oh I love Ramadan.

I mean I fasted when I was Catholic on some of the Catholic days of fasting, and I know the first couple of days it’s a little rough, but then it’s just so amazing what you are doing. You are sacrificing and you are doing this all for God, and it’s just amazing.

And when Ramadan is over, I want to cry, and I know I have some sister friends who are like that, we just want to cry. You love it so much, it’s just an amazing feeling, and it’s just amazing what you can do.

You know, so many people say oh I couldn’t fast that many hours, especially it’s been in the summer, but it’s amazing what you can do when you are doing it for God. It’s just absolutely amazing.

Watch sister Christina describe her journey to Islam

Divine Love: Muslim-Christian Differences

All religions fulfill several functions. They try to establish a relationship between man and the larger Reality of which he forms a tiny part, orienting him within the immense universe that he inhabits.
Usually Buddhism is an exception as much as Buddhists refuse entering into any speculation about transcendental reality. (The Teaching of Buddha)
This leads to a metaphysical interpretation of the world and conceptionally to the postulation of a divine Supreme Being. These efforts sooner or later culminate in a science of God, verbally “theology”, called al-aqida in Islam.

In everyday life religions are also called upon to provide rules for worshipping the Deity (al-´ibadat) and for the conduct of human affairs in all fields (al-mu’amalat). These aspects of religiosity tend to command the greatest attention, not only because they impact directly on the conduct of everyday life, but also because they are more concrete and practical than the rather esoteric contributions of theology in its original and purest sense. Worse, the role played by religions in politics today begets activities which totally overshadow the theological aspects of religion. This is true of all contemporary religious or pseudo-religious phenomena known as “-isms”.
They include American Evangelical Christians promoting a frighteningly politicized fundamentalism as well as what now is called Islamism, i.e. a militant political ideology practiced by Muslims. The latter phenomenon has recently been diagnosed by Meghnad Desai, a British Lord, in his book on “Rethinking Islamism – The Ideology of the New Terror”, Tauris: London 2007.
Therefore, as recognized by the Royal Aal al-Bayt Institute for Islamic Thought, it is now of the essence to focus on the very root of Islamic religiosity: the belief in Godas a Deity who interacts with His creation in a loving manner and who commands the love and affection of all true believers.
Loving God in Islam and Christianity
The Christian Concept
Christians consider their faith prototypically a “religion of love”. This is meant comprehensively, i.e. as a religious appeal, and even command, (a) to love God and (b) to love “one’s neighbor”, i.e. all of mankind — friends and enemies as well.
a. Loving God
The Christian command to love God, announced by Jesus, is embedded in St. Mark and reads:
“And you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength; this is the first commandment.” (New International Version, Mark 12: 30)
In the words of Hugo Ball (d. 1927) the faithful are not on the look-out for reasons justifying the love of God. Rather, they: “throw themselves into the love of God like pearl fishers diving into the ocean.” (Byzantinisches, 49)
In reality, this command is not a Christian innovation at all. The same text — verbally — figured already in the Fifth Book of Moses 6-5. Indeed, according to the Bible, God is not only lovable for being gracious, just and merciful.
Indeed, the Book of Songs — being the 5th Book of the Biblical Psalms — is a treasure of lines professing love of God. No wonder the Church incorporated the Psalms into Christian lore, just as the Muslims have adopted them (calling them az-Zabur) as one of the few reliably revealed passages of the Old Testament:
  • I love the Lord because He has heard my voice and my supplication. (New International Version, Psalm 116: 1)
  • Gracious is the Lord, and righteous, yes, our God is merciful. (116: 5)
  • Your commandments which I love shall be my delight. (119: 47)
  • Oh, how I love your law. ( 119: 97)
  • Your commands I have taken as a heritage forever, for they are the rejoicing of my heart. (119: 111)
It will be noticed that the authors of the Psalms well before the Medieval Christian mystics had already reached a level of adoration where loving God and obeying His commands did no longer result from fear but from devotion.
The author of the letter “First Epistle of John” is unknown. He certainly was not the favorite disciple of Jesus known under the name of John, enlarges on this command by saying that: “God is love. He who dwells in love, dwells in God” (John, 4: 16)
b. Loving man
The Christian command to love God is intimately linked to the “second command”, i.e. to love one`s fellow man:
And the second command is alike, namely this: “You shall love your neighbor like yourself. There is no other command greater than these.” (St. Mark, 12, 31)
In the Book of Mormon this command reappears: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew, 22: 39)
Insightful the great Jesuit theologian Karl Rahner (d. 1984) commented this rule as follows: “Love of God can only be realized through unconditional love of one’s next-door neighbor since only that way one can pierce the hell of one’s egotism.”(Warum, 672)
The Gospel makes clear that charity given to one’s brother is a way of loving God:
“Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” (Matthew, 25: 40)
This is followed up by a statement of psychological depth:
“If a man should say “I love God” but hates his brother, he is a liar. For if he does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God Whom he has not seen?” (1 John, 4: 20)
c. Peculiarities
In two ways, the Christian concept of love is peculiar:
The Christian notion of loving God is deeply colored by the Christian doctrine of Incarnation which since the 1st Ecumenical Council of Ephesus in 325 implies that Jesus inseparably was both divine and human, figuring among the three divine persons who according to Church dogma form Trinity. Consequently, for Christians the love of God is identified very much with loving Jesus, i.e. a concrete and therefore “touchable” historic personality.
Thus an encyclopedic definition of Christendom reads: “Love, faithfully having become visible in Jesus Christ, is the way towards hope for mankind.” Romano Guardini (d. 1968) went to an extreme when formulating that “Jesus Christ is the essence of Christianity — not an idea, not a program, not an ideology, but a person.” For both quotations (my translation), see Meyers (Note 5), p. 671
This notion is retained in the Book of Mormon where we read: “you must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31: 20)
The Muslim Concept
a. Loving God
The climate of the Muslim devotion to God differs from the Christian one because for Muslims God has not been incarnated as Baby Jesus in the manger — cuddly and lovely — but rather remains an awesome Divinity, so close to us that we cannot see Him.
{Vision perceives Him not, but He perceives [all] vision.} (Al-An’am 6: 103)
In short, God is the one beyond time and space whose Being totally escapes our categorization. Indeed, we cannot catch His Reality with the perceptional network provided by our man-made (and therefore “loaded” languages).
In fact, talking about God is a linguistic trap. Ludwig Wittgenstein (d. 1951) was therefore right in terminating his Tractatus logico-philosophicus (first printed in 1921) with the stunning phrase: “Of what one cannot speak, about that one must remain silent” (7)
True, for Muslims, too, Allah is not only transcendent but also immanent since Allah is closer to us than our jugular vein (50: 16). And He has full knowledge of what is in the hearts (or bosoms) of people (11: 542: 2457: 664: 467: 13)
Muslims are therefore expected to love God more than anything else. (2: 165)
Nevertheless God remains unfathomable, unimaginable, unseizable, incomprehensible, indescribable. We are told that His are the most beautiful names/attributes (7: 18017: 11020: 8). But this is of little help because we must not coin any similitude for God (6: 74). It is of course true as well that in the Quran, for instance in the Light Verse (24: 35) and in the Throne Verse (59: 22-4)
God has given us a self-description. Yet, do we really come closer to the secret when God identifies with the Light of the heavens and the earth? Can we understand any of the divine attributes other than nominalistically, like Ibn Hazm before? Indeed, for he to whom God gives no light, no light whatever has he. (24:40). Therefore, we can legitimately go about defining God in negative terms only, listing what cannot be said of Him: That He cannot not exist; cannot die; cannot multiply Himself since God is a single God. (2: 16316: 2251)
All this is true and full of complexity. Nevertheless, loving God naively is possible not only for Christians but for Muslims as well since they are aware that God in His goodness is limitless (57: 21) and that His grace overspreads everything. (7: 156)

All Muslims have to be grateful that Muslim mystics — the Sufi movement — have been able on this basis to develop an Islamic mysticism of love in spite of all the difficulties of visualizing God. The Sufi approach is of course highly speculative. But emotionally it is more satisfactory than the cool soberness of the philosophical approach described above.
b. Loving Man
As much as the Christian faith, Islam teaches that the love of God must translate into compassion for man. However, Muslims are a bit more hesitant when it goes to use the word “love”. In general they prefer to designate the same attitude as brother and sisterhood.
Statements on brotherhood in the Quran most explicitly refer to relations between Muslims (3: 1039: 1148: 2949: 10). Even so, the Quran amply makes clear that its basic message is addressed to all of mankind (20: 5540: 64103114), not only by addressing its audience “Oh mankind!” or “Oh Children of Adam!” (2: 1684: 1701747: 26313510: 235710410822: 531: 3335: 51549: 13). Indeed the Quran is a clear lesson for all men and a guidance and an admonition for all the God-conscious. (3: 138)
As far as Christians are concerned the Quran does not pronounce an abstract concept like to “love your neighbor”. However, in more concrete terms its verses establish that what is meant is the Christian way. Thus Muslims are urged to do good to their neighbors. (4: 36), show kindness even to (non-aggressive) disbelievers (60: 8), spend on others in charity out of what one cherishes most: (3: 924: 114), and to be just in all dealings, no matter with whom. (4: 585: 8427: 2916: 9068: 34)
If not in wording, in substance these rules add up to a Muslim “love thy neighbor”-command. By ruling out injustice, globally, Islam is commanding justice, globally.
God Loving His Creation in Islam and Christianity
The Christian Concept
a. The idea that God might “love” what He created is not self-evident. On the contrary, one might argue that love establishes a longing and dependency between the lover and the loved one that is irreconcilable with God.
It seems feasible for the gods of Greek and Roman antiquity to pose as goddesses of love and beauty, like Aphrodite and Venus, because in antique mythology human love was a quality of gods.
b. Given the dual nature of Jesus in the eyes of Christians, his love for mankind may be understood more easily by them as corresponding to the human sentiment which all men and women experience. The same conclusion might be drawn from interpreting the history of Israel as a sentimental mutual relationship between a loving God and his privileged “Chosen People”.
c. At any rate, in Christianity the loving nature of God is taken as an essential quality of deity, as expressed in startling fashion: “We love Him because He first loved us.” (New International Version, 1 John 4: 19)
On this basis, Jesus is seen by many Christians as sort of a perfect Sufi. In fact, in much of Christian mysticism was cultivated a startling intimacy with Jesus that for Muslims borders on, or crosses over into, blasphemy.
This was true in particular with the Spanish nun, St. Theresa of Avila (d. 1582) and her spiritual friend St. John of the Cross (d. around 1581). This trend opened the door for a humanization of Jesus, allowing him to be depicted as suffering with man, even now.
The Islamic Concept
a. In the Quran, we are told that God is self-sufficient (64: 6, last sentence). This fundamental self-description definitely excludes that God is in love with his creation the way humans treasure, desire, and miss each other, trying to fuse their self with a beloved person to whom they may become utterly dependent.
God cannot possibly love his creation that human way! Therefore it is safer and more accurate not to speak of “love” when addressing His clemency, compassion, benevolence, goodness, or mercy.
b. This assessment is not contradicted by the many verses in which God is mentioned as “loving” something. Thus it says that God loves:
  • The doers of good (3: 311485: 93),
  • those who are patient in adversity (3: 146),
  • those who place their trust in Him (3: 159),
  • those who are conscious of Him (9: 7),
  • all who purify themselves (9: 108),
  • those who believe and do perform good deeds (19: 96),
  • those who act equitably (60: 8).
In all these cases, God “loves” must be understood as God “approves”, “is content with” or “views positively” those who act as described. “Love” here does not refer to emotional involvement.

That this interpretation is correct can be deduced as well from those verses in which God speaks of not loving. Thus we read that God does not love:
“Not loving” here stands for disapproving, condemning, criticizing, rejecting.
c. However, in 19: 96, we do read after all that the Most Gracious will bestow His love on those who attain to faith and do good deeds, in 3: 31 that: {If you indeed love Allah…Allah will love you}, and in 5: 54 that, under circumstances, God will in time {bring forth people whom He loves and who love Him}. Admittedly, these quotations could be seen as proof for a love of God for His creation comparable to the love human beings are capable of. But this interpretation must be ruled out as incompatible with the very nature of God as sublime and totally self-sufficient.
Conclusion
The Christian and the Islamic considerations concerning love in divine context have been shown as not being identical but similar, as was to be expected.
Differences between the two approaches result above all from the:
  • Muslim reticence to associate God with a humanized notion of love,
  • Muslim preference for the term “brotherhood” in most cases for which Christians choose to employ the term “love” (of one’s neighbor).
There is, however, a major theoretical discrepancy between the two denominations in as much as the concept of loving one’s enemy is nowhere to be found in Islamic doctrine (if one neglects certain Christianized Muslim mystic circles).
This difference is, however, more theoretical than real. Indeed, at no moment in history was Christian behavior on the ground determined by their doctrine of loving one’s enemy — not even to the slightest degree. And this observation is not surprising since loving one’s enemy goes against the very grain of people and therefore is nowhere acted upon as a rule. Living according to the concept of loving one`s enemy was given only to a few people of saintly disposition, like St. Francis of Assisi (d. 1226) on the Christian side and Jalal ad-Din Rumi (d. 1273) among Muslims. Their supreme humility and tolerance, their devotion to other men, and their joyous religious fervor were so singular that, as exceptions, they confirmed the rule sketched out above.
This leads me to a final consideration concerning the psychological impact of promoting a rule — to love one’s foe — that is inaccessible to 99.9% of all people. Admitting this situation, Christians might argue that nevertheless we need lofty ideals to strive for, even if they are virtually unattainable. Muslims might reply that it is detrimental for public morality if unattainable rules are promoted which, of course, are constantly violated by everybody in sight, because that (Christian) approach creates a climate of, and promotes, hypocrisy at a massive scale. I share the latter judgment, being afraid that people used to violating basic rules of their professed moral code might become cynical about morality as such.
Indeed there is divine wisdom behind the fact that all religious obligations placed on Muslims while not being easy to fulfill are all within reach of the average believer.
In this sense, too, Islam by being more simple is more sane.

Works Cited:
Ball, Hugo. Byzantinisches Christentum. 2nd ed. Frankfurt: Insel Verlag, 1979
Bukkyo, Dendo Kyokai. The Teaching of Buddha. 9th ed. Tokyo: Kosaido Printing Co., Ltd., 2004
Karl Rahner, Warum bin ich ein Christ? Meyers, Enzyklopädisches Lexikon, Vol. 5, 1972
Ludwig, Wittgenstein. Tractatus Logico - Philosophicus. London: Kegan Paul, Trench, Trubner, 2007